James, part V...

Having seized upon the idea that God had provided this test for me, I set about the intensive work of succeeding. I had only ever failed, to my reckoning, one test my whole entire life, and that was in math. I had recouped that loss with a make up test. There was no way I was going to fail this one.

What I have learned since then is that when God tests His people, His ultimate goal is that they would come through knowing more of Him and loving Him more for Who He Is. Another result that occurs in God's testing of His people is how they also come to learn more of themselves, their weakness and sin, and so cling more fiercely to His grace.

But I thought that God was testing me so that I would come through as an example of great faith, perseverance, and victory. I wanted the gold medal to hang around my neck, and I believed it all depended upon me. I was not involved at that time in any formal Bible study. My sporadic personal quiet times consisted of picking random passages to read and thinking only as deeply as how those verses made me feel.

I had no understanding for considering God's word as wisdom for my life. I treated God's word as no more than one of those devotional flip-a-page-a-day-good-thoughts-calendars. So instead of really seizing upon what God said to do in trial, I floundered around trying to reconcile my opinions with my desires with the world's teachings with my anemic theology. I was a balled up mess of confusion when it came to thinking clearly on what to do.

Ironically, and providentially, a friend put into my hands a book by Mary Pride titled The Way Home: Beyond Feminism, Back to Reality. This friend knew how much I was struggling with the role of being a Christian wife, having children, trusting God, and so on. Mary Pride's book challenged me on every front. I did not then, and still do not today, agree with everything she wrote or writes. However, I was intrigued by her Biblical approach to being a Christian wife alongside the very real examples of her life. I desired that kind of faith before the God I claimed to love and follow. What would it look like in my life?

The most significant truth I learned during that time of intense searching was the challenge to trust, really trust, God with this child's life and with the lives of any future children. I remember sitting in my antique rocking chair in the perfectly decorated nursery, hand on my pregnant belly, just weeping before the Lord that He would grant me the faith to believe Him for whatever might happen with this baby. I surrendered to Him right then that whatever might happen with this child, that no matter how difficult it might be, that I would continue to pursue His will.

I had no idea that afternoon what I was committing myself to, but I recognized later that it was a deliberate step of faith given by His Holy Spirit to my broken heart. I do not expect to ever fully wrap my brain around the beautiful mystery of how He draws us to Himself with sovereign power and still also requires of us deliberate choice.

My trembling before the Lord had only just begun.

(The first parts of James' story can be found under the sidebar topic heading, James.)