In the grand scheme...

of things, this whole back injury, while significant, has not been the worst thing to happen to me. When I consider the other difficult trials of life, losing a child, struggles in marriage, broken relationships with family or friends, this back thing is more like an inconvenient and awkward burp than some major life crash.

Yet, working through the differences in my head and heart, some glaring and huge, some subtle and insidious, I think the greatest difference is that in every other circumstance there was something I could throw myself into doing, however actually ineffective that doing was in truth. At least I believed and felt like I was accomplishing something.  Delusions are powerful forces.

With this back injury though, any and all doing has been relegated to the realm of doing nothing---literally.  That is and has been the strangest of realities to live with for this season.  I may have written before that my motto for years has been, "Go there, Be there, Do there, Leave there."  Nothing annoys me more than to attend a meeting without an agenda or to pretend an agenda only for it to be derailed and rabbit trailed by those supposedly in charge.  I have little to no understanding or compassion for wishy washy people who cannot make a decision or stick to one once made.  I am a frustrated sinner when it comes to having my plans precariously balanced upon the contingency plans of another.

Honesty in its stark ugliness, both to write and then read back over.

This back injury though has necessitated literally hours of lying around and having to think and reflect rather than do, and or watch someone else do what I covetously desire to be doing.  Though my arms and legs have not been stripped off of me physically, practically they have.  And my propensity to dwell on how another is doing what I want to do has not always led me down the path of grateful reflection.  Even when at all points I am not displeased with their method, I know myself to be angry with the principle--that I am not the one doing.

Adding insult to injury, I face the plain truth that while others in my situation would think and reflect on the great things of life and mentally accomplish magnificent works of writing or read life changing books, when I consider how I've spent this time, I'm ashamed at my lack of attention to the truest things.

Yes, I've read my Bible; I've spent hours in prayer; I've read some convicting and entertaining books; but have I penned any great tome for another? Have I made any difference in another's life?  Have I been faithful before my Lord for this time He has obviously ordained?

I do not know, and any self evaluation leaves me realizing the great shortness of myself before God.  And this is probably exactly what I was meant to learn in the grand scheme of things.  That whether I throw myself into a doing of the greatest height, or a thinking of the greatest truths, I will still and always fall short of an immensely Holy God.

Unless He grants me the grace to do, the faith to think rightly, and the strength to persevere in these for my great and glaring inherent weaknesses, I am and have done nothing.

Apart from Him, I can do no thing.